(You can find the text of Scott’s official announcement of his candidacy here)
#1 – CANADA’S SENATE IS UNELECTED AND UNACCOUNTABLE
Canada has a House of Commons with elected representatives who pass laws, but before they become official a group of unelected unrepresentatives in the Senate must approve them. They’re guaranteed their jobs until the age of 75, and work inside a room with an actual throne.
#2 – CANADA’S SENATE IS SECRETIVE
The attendance register for senators is only viewable by physically going to an Ottawa office building to look at it, and no video cameras are currently allowed in the Senate chamber. Some information may soon be available online but has been delayed due to the Senate’s outdated horse-drawn internet connections.
#3 – I NEED A JOB
It just so happens that I’m in the market for a steady gig.
#1 – GET ELECTED
Since there is currently no process to elect senators, I’ve been forced to create one. Both males AND females 18 or older (or younger) will be eligible to vote on my website. If I receive more votes than the senators I’m running against, I will go to Ottawa to replace the senator with the fewest votes. I don’t foresee any complications to this plan.
#2 – BRING ACCOUNTABILITY TO THE SENATE
If elected I will:
- Encourage Canadians to hold elections to replace myself and other senators. The only stipulation is that you must wait until I’m elected to attempt to unseat me. That’s a rule that I’m making up because there are no rules.
- Relay any message to any senator of my constituents’ choosing. This includes softly whispering messages into a male senators’ ear as they stand at a urinal.
- Encourage Canadians to consider abolishing the Senate completely, and include a reminder as part of my Senate uniform, shown below.
#3 – BRING TRANSPARENCY TO THE SENATE
If elected I will:
- Stream Senate proceedings live online from a camera strapped to my head.
- Make all of my email, banking and internet passwords public so you can know exactly how I’m spending your tax dollars, along with my deepest, most intimate fears, vulnerabilities and perversions.
- Ensure all magic tricks performed in the Senate are immediately followed by an explanation of exactly how they were done.
Spill it, bub.
BONUS SOLUTION! RUN FOR HEAD OF STATE (TIMING TBD)
Before Canadian laws become 100% official, they must be granted “royal assent” from the Queen of Canada (aka the Queen of England). If elected King of Canada I will:
- Replace references to the Queen in Canada’s citizenship oath with “party.” e.g. “From this day forward, I pledge my loyalty and allegiance to partaaaaay!”
- Replace any singing of “God Save The Queen” with Van Halen’s “Jump”
- Convert the Governor General’s mansion into a free day care centre and replace the property’s Canadian flags with flags that say “Kidz rule! Relics of colonialism drool!”
The kids’ll love this one.